R2 Week 1 RECAP

So... Obviously I'm not going to be such a thorough poster this go 'round. I'm just a lot less attached to my computer in general since I moved to Korea and stopped having a desk job.

Anyway.  Diet is going fairly well so far.  Haven't lost as much as I'd hoped for, especially compared to Round 1, but I also started the low-calorie part of my diet on the first day of my period, which was probably pretty stupid.  I'm also actually counting calories this time, and I'm finding it difficult to actually get to 500 calories a day.  Maybe if I was eating the allotted melba toast, tablespoon of milk, and 1 lemon (juice) I would get there, but I've been betwee 300-400 calories all week.  Which is crazy to think about.

I also got a protein shake from HCGTriumph when I ordered my drops, and that stuff has been relatively amazing, mostly because it still allows me to have chocolate (which, after a few days, I realized I could mix with hot water and cinnamon and it is really nothing like hot chocolate but satisfying all the same).   I really wish I'd ordered two jars of it, though, since the international shipping is $70.  Fast, but really fucking expensive.

Anyway. I'm finally back down to close to where I assume I was when I first arrived - somewhere between 65-67kg is my estimate.  I broke 67 on Sunday - yay!  I'm not sure if I've hit my first plateau already or something else.  I guess my goal is to lose at least 2kg a week.  That would end me up in a good place.  If you haven't noticed, I've switched myself to metric measurements.  First, because I live in a metric-based country now, and secondly because I have a lot less ingrained weight judgments about kilograms.  Even though I basically know what the pound equivalent is, I don't have an irrational opinion ingrained in me about what magical kg number I should weigh.  I know the Korean number, of course, but Koreans are frighteningly thin, and since I haven't heard that particular number-range it doesn't affect me nearly as much.

ROUND 1 RECAP - Pre-ROUND 2

.....  um.
Hi.

So.
Before that last week of the diet I included in recap 6 this line:
"And I'm in a good enough head space that I think I can make it for one more week without going crazy."

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Near the end of my last week of grad school / this diet, I made this little chart to diagram my unhappy (opens in a new window).

Long story short: I was CRAZY.  Like, no sleep, no brain, no common sense, and mostly importantly, unable to keep any semblance of this diet working.  Mostly because I had to write 30 pages of dissertation-style text. And words only come out my fingers when food goes out my mouth.  This is what I have discovered.  It is mildly horrifying, that luckily, I hopefully never have to go through again! Yay!

I ate and ate.  132 was my lowest weight, I think, but I was probably back around 140 by the time I finished taking the drops.  Then my parents showed up.  And I ate.  WHY I THOUGHT THIS DIET TIMING WAS SMART, I HAVE NOOOOOO IDEA.

SO, MOVING ON.
Or rather, MOVING OVER SEAS.

I'm in Korea now.
It is awesome.

This is kind of how life has gone thus far (beware the CAPS):

1. I'M AFRAID OF LEAVING MY APARTMENT, I EAT AT 7-11
underlying currents of EATING MY FEELINGS BECAUSE I'M AFRAID OF EVERYTHING STRESS
2. I FOUND A NICE COFFEE SHOP!  YAY!
underlying currents of EATING MY FEELINGS BECAUSE I'M AFRAID OF EVERYTHING STRESS
3. I FOUND A NICE CHICKEN LADY!  YAY!
underlying currents of EATING MY FEELINGS BECAUSE I DON'T SPEAK KOREAN
4. YAY! Food! YAY! Crossfit!
underlying currents of EATING MY FEELINGS BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE FRIENDS
6. WHY THE FUCK IS CROSSFIT SO OBSESSED WITH DOUBLE-UNDERS?!?!
underlying currents of EATING MY FEELINGS BECAUSE I HATE WORK
7. FUCK CROSSFIT.  CHICKEN IN KOREA IS ALL FUCKING AMAZING.
underlying currents of EATING MY FEELINGS BECAUSE ALL MY FRIENDS ARE 20 YEARS OLD
8. HULLLLL I'M ALL LIKE FAT AGAIN
underlying currents of EATING MY FEELINGS BECAUSE HULLLLL I'M ALL LIKE FAT AGAIN

ALL UNDERLINED BY THE FACT THAT 98% OF KOREANS ARE SUPA-SKINNY.
Also, also, I used to think Skinny Legs were skinny.
My ability to delineate between variations of Skinny Legs is now quite high.
On the Leg-Scale in Korea, I came here at "obese" and have moved to "morbidly obese".
Remember all those really great pairs of size 6 jeans I bought before I came?  Yeah, totally can't wear those. Nor can I wear the one pair of 8s that I brought with me.  That was really the breaking point.  No pants.  And no possibility of buying pants, because, like, Korea.


So.  Non-prescription "HCG Triumph" has been ordered, and delivered, and I'm ready for Round 2.
I'm a little afraid of the "non-prescription" aspect of things, but this seems to be a brand with relatively good reviews, and they had a BOGO deal going on, so I got enough for two rounds.

I don't know how long I'm going for this time.  At least 23 days (that's the minimum), but probably around 30.  The goal this time is to stop myself before I fuck up.  I'm a lot less overtly stressed out, and have more imminently present reasons and visual reminders of my goals, so maybe I can make it to 40 days?  I'm going in with this with a plan, but a plan based on my own abilities to succeed rather than a super-strict number.  I'd like to make it to 30.

I'm a little worried about not having enough detox time. BUT I'm also so fucking excited that I kind of think I should just go for loading this weekend, instead of waiting a whole 'nother week where my will power for primal dieting is weak.  I'm afraid I'd just put on more weight.

That means I've got 3 days of faux-detoxing (lots of apple-cider vinegar, lots of water, little-to-nothing processed, nothing fried, drinking veggie juice everyday (I did buy myself a hella-nice juicer a few months ago)). Then Saturday/Sunday will be loading days - probably a lot of Indian food and samgyeopsal (Korean thick-cut unsalted bacon that you fry up on a grill).

My shopping list (and diet for the next 30-40 days):
Cucumbers
Spinach
Lettuce
Kale?
Apples
Oranges
Strawberries
Lemons
Chicken Breast
Lean Beef
Eggs
White Fish
mustard
spices

mineral-based makeup
extension cord for my new oven


I'll post pictures and specs this weekend.  For now though, just wish me luck!

(DAY 2.20-21)

I'm really sad I didn't take pictures of skinny-Riley for my comparison pictures while she was around. Because stressed-out finals-Riley really ran her out of town with incredible haste. I'm hoping crossfit-Riley will bring her back around, because I thought she was really pretty. And I want to see those pictures compared. I'm determined not to take pictures to compare until I'm back at 130. WHICH WILL HAPPEN BEFORE I LEAVE FOR KOREA. GOAL: SET.

After getting my massage and my dumplings (they really were delicious), and went home and ended up watching Korean dramas until 10pm.  Because I'm a weirdo who's fucked up her body to the extent that it has no idea what time it is or when it should want sleep. I fell asleep around 10:30 I think, and did not get up until 11:00am this morning, which does seem appropriate. Then I spent too much time dicking around my apartment and not doing anything, really. Then I walked to whole foods to buy snacks - thinking that at least this way they wouldn't all come from a vending machine, and so could be marginally healthier for me (HA!).

Finally made it to the library around 4. Did fuck-all for 2 hours. Did good work for 2 hours. Decided I hated the library and needed something that wasn't sugar (which was, of course, all I had bought), and so made the executive decision to get more chicken katsu and walk to my office, where I could work all night with the aid of a printer to actually make hard copies to help me review/revise.  Made it to the office around 8:30, and for the past 3 hours I think I've been... marginally productive.  My stomach is really pretty unhappy and I feel like shit, but at least I'm awake.  And I have an electric kettle in my office so I don't need to be quite so reliant on straight-up shots of espresso, and can instead just drink copious amounts of market spice tea.

THIS PICTURE MAY BE AS CLOSE AS WE'RE GETTING - even tho this was Thursday night, when I probably weighed around 135?  BUT, LIKE, JASMIN is EFFING TINY, and I don't look very big next to her, so YAY!

(DAY 2.16-17-18-19)

DAY 2.16 - This day made sense. I think I ate food that day. OH I REMEMBER.  I ate a lot of food, I just didn't swallow any of it - literally I did that gross thing where you chew up food and then spit it into a cup.  I was trying to appease my mouth's desire to have crunchy things to maw on, and I did succeed at that. Went to bed around 3am after staying up super late making hockey jerseys out of garbage bags and duct tape while watching the Mighty Ducks 3 and the latest Game of Thrones episode.

DAY 2.171819 started out as a normal kind of day.

SUPER LONG VERSION: It was a Wednesday morning.  I did my thing - got up at 6:30am after about 3.5 hours of sleep, went to work, visited the coffee stand, did some paperwork. Rode my bike to the chiropractor at 3:00. First time I had ever ridden UP to capital hill from U-District - straight up the main rode that the bus takes.  I was always afraid of that hill before, and it really wasn't that bad!  :D  Yay! After chiro I rode downtown to the Korean consulate and picked up my passport, complete with my brand new shiny VISA!  Yay! Then it was back to U-district for a group meeting to prepare for our final presentation on Wednesday. That went well, too!

THEN, it was time to go to the library. Like, for good. Like, for all night. My degree project prof had emailed me Tuesday informing me that I'd be one of the 6 lucky students who got to present their project (informally) on Thursday during class. This meant that I needed to have my shit figured out by Thursday morning, and have a full draft of my paper ready by then. Luckily, Odegaard undergraduate library is open 24 hours a day most of the week, so I had 16 hours or so to work on my paper before I had to present.

I had taken some drops at about 11:30 (I ran home for lunch), but I was also realizing that I was a bit hungry. Or something? I needed/wanted/felt-like-I-should eat at least something before embarking on this journey - and also I should get coffee. Definitely coffee. Unfortunately, the cafe under the library was closed (I was thinking maybe I could get some chicken breast or sliced turkey meat or something). So I headed down to the coffee shop, which also usually has sandwiches. NOT THIS DAY, though - all the sandwiches were gone. So I opted for the teriyaki place next door, and got chicken katsu with a side salad (no rice), and only ate about 1/3 of the chicken (mostly without the sauce - because at this point, I was still trying to be relatively good). I was pleasantly surprised by how quickly I got filled up - really after 1/4 of the chicken I felt satisfied. Then I went to the cafe and got 4 shots of espresso and hot water for my market spice tea. And a molasses ginger cookie. Because sugar.

Made my way back to the library, called my mom for her birthday like the dutiful daughter I ought to be, visited the vending machines downstairs and bought chocolate for later while still on the phone with Lisa. (Because sugar.)

Camped out at a desk. Did a good 3 hours of fuck-all. Then did a good 3 hours of legit research (all the research I should have been doing during the past 3 weeks). During those 6 hours ate all the chocolate I had bought, and the leftover chicken from earlier. The cafe under the library opens again at 9pm and stays open till 1am, so I went down at 12:30am to get moooooore coffee. So I got another 4 shots, hot water for hot chocolate, and chocolate froyo with sprinkles. Because sugar. And more vending machine chocolate.

Back upstairs for another 1.5 hours of research. Then ACTUALLY WROTE SHIT for a good 5 hours. NOT a complete draft, but at least a full outline - and a good 25 pages. Definitely enough for me to be able to present. Finished all the chocolate. (Because sugar.) And drank lots of magnesium (I had brought it with me and was adding it to water bottles all night). Felt mentally accomplished, although not particularly lively or clear-headed at this point. Definitely relying on will power and sugar to keep me upright at this point.

(DAY 2.18?) Rode my bike back to work, got a breakfast sandwich and hashbrown at cafeteria next to work (because hungry).  Printed the draft, went to the coffee stand and made myself another 4 shots of coffee. Rode back to campus, bought a cookie & chocolate donut at coffee stand under classroom (because sugar), gave my sorry little presentation at 9:00am. I have no idea if I was coherent. I didn't feel very coherent. By that time, I only had a memory span of about 40 seconds. Ate 3 cookies people had brought for celebration (because sugar).

Then ran to the HUB bookstore real quick to buy tape to fix one of the jerseys for the group presentation I was giving at 11:30am. Presentation went super-well. It was a good thing that I didn't have a big part - because memory retention had gone down to 30 seconds or so, and I had started getting distracted by things like "the wall over there". Ate some candy (because sugar) that the professor always brought to that class.

Yeah! Graduate School! Where we study The Mighty Ducks!
Yes, I totally made those jerseys.

Rode home - how I managed to stay awake to ride home I'm not really sure, but I did. And I ate half an apple while doing it - only half because riding up the ave on a bicycle, sans helmet, headphones in, mostly asleep, trying to eat an apple at the same time seemed like an unreasonable amount of risk. Made it home, changed into shorts and a tank top (did I mention it was hella hot out), took some HCG drops and thyroid pills, and literally ran to the nearest car2go so that I could drive it to my posture therapy appointment at 2pm. Got stuck in horrible traffic, and got there around 2:20pm - luckily her next appointment was late, so I still got my full hour appointment, even if I was yawning and responding like a belligerent 4-year-old to everything she said. Drove back home in car2go, and finally dropped into bed at 4:15pm.

After being awake for 33.5 hours on 4 hours of sleep, I passed out for a whole 3.5 hours before getting back up at 7:45pm, taking a shower, taking more HCG drops and thyroid pills, getting fancified, and heading to MY LAST JKPOP EVAAAAR. TT__TT  So you see, it was important that I be there.  I got downtown at 9pm, ran into the Kaladi Brothers to get another 4 shots of espresso, and then was planning on getting a dumpling from this Russian place near my chiro's office - but it was closed. So I went to JKPOP first, then realized I was pretty hungry? (I still don't think "hunger" is quite right - but either my brain or my body very much wanted calories or sugar to keep it going at this point.) So I headed out to get food, only there wasn't anything quick nearby so I ended up at Cupcake Royale, where I got mint ice cream with hot fudge and a cinnamon cookie (because sugar). Then went back to JKPOP and DANCE-DANCE-DANCE-DA-DANCED. Yay JKPOP! When Heidi got there a took a little break and went out to the street corner and bought a hot dog with cream cheese and ketchup and BBQ sauce (because delicious). Also had a red bull around midnight because I was starting to fade again (can't imagine why). Anyway, DJ Hojo (and Bishie) played all my favorite songs (<3 them for doing that), and I finally headed out at 1:30am after dancing for 4 hours.

Hiked up Broadway to drive a car2go home, getting 2 Dick's cheeseburgers and a chocolate shake on the way (because sugar). Got home around 2:15am. Went to bed around 3:30am, because I'm weird and my body isn't functioning correctly at this point (obviously).

(DAY 2.19?) Woke up at 7:00am after about 3.5 hours of sleep (we've now accumulated 7 hours of sleep for the 3 days I've been awake), took some more HCG drops and thyroid pills, and headed off to work. Drank some hot chocolate (because sugar). Printed out some papers - haven't really done much with them. Went to lunch with Jasmin at 12 and ate pho (because food). Came back to office and continued to be useless. Has literally taken me 2 hours to type this post because I still can't concentrate on anything for longer than 30 seconds. Have a chiro-massage at 5:00pm. Am hoping to get that dumpling.

AND THEN? Who the fuck knows. My body is SO SCREWED UP RIGHT NOW.
I'M SORRY BODY.

And I'm sorry body, but I also have a degree project to finish in the next 48 hours, and also an 8-page term paper that I need to bang out by Monday night. My tentative plan is to go to my massage, get my dumpling, go home, and sleep until my body wakes up. Then head back down to the library (since it's still open 24 hours) and stay there until my degree project is finished, which hopefully won't take me until Sunday afternoon.

OH RIGHT, and my landlords are showing my apartment Monday and Tuesday, so at some point before Monday morning I need to clean my apartment somehow. Because it is a fucking pit at this point. Seriously covered in filth.

I am not sure why I ever thought I could do this diet during finals week.  I can't manage to stick to a semi-normal Riley diet on finals week, much less a crazy-fucker of a diet on the worst finals week I've ever had given schedule and commitments. I don't know if I've gained a bunch of weight back or not. I think I'm around 134 again - or at least I was the last time I checked which was... one of the last times I was home? I don't know why I've kept taking the drops really, except that on top of everything else my body is going through at the moment I don't think it's going to make much of a difference one way or another, so like, why the fuck not. Perhaps the biggest take-away I will have from this whole diet is that now I know what my body can look and feel like at 130 lbs, and that is now a real and tangible thing that I want to get back to, and surpass.

ALSO CROSSFIT RE-COMMENCES ON MONDAY. HELLS YES CROSSFIT. IT'S GONNA HURT SO BAD.



TLDR VERSION: Coming soon. Well, not that soon. (Because sleep first.)

(DAY 2.14-15)

Today:
Going well.  Feel bloated (see below), but am in cute new outfit so care less than I should.

Captain's Log, stardate 2013.6.03
Wakeup: (7:00am, 3.5 hours of sleep)
- chicken (11:00am)
- frozen strawberries (4:15pm)
- 3/4 tilapia (4:45pm)
- baked apple (5:15pm)
- sugar-free werthers, chocolate chips, BURPEES
Bedtime (12:00am)
Water: 32+32+32oz
Tea: 16+16+32+16+16+20oz
(green, market spice, barley, market spice, detox, sleepytime)

(i have been waiting so long to use this gif)

Yesterday:

WHAT IS IT WITH ME AND SUNDAYS? (AND LATE NIGHTS?!?)  

I wrote that yay!weekly post yesterday and apparently completely jinxed myself by saying that I thought I could totally hold my own for the final week. Obviously I couldn't - my mouth got a hold of something during the day and decided it was not going to be happy until it had eaten everything (that I could conceivably consider "non-" or "low-" fat) in my house. A sweet tooth, perhaps, but more of a "crunchy" tooth in reality, I think. SIGH. Whatever. It'll sort itself out, I hope. Ughnnnn.


Captain's Log, stardate 2013.6.02
Wakeup: (11:30am, 9.5 hours of sleep)
- beef (1:30pm)
- strawberries (3:45pm)
- 7:30pm - chicken, baked apple, frozen strawberries
- 9:00pm -3:00am - sliced turkey, bananamons (freeze-dried banana with cinnamon), hard candies (lots), chocolate chips, grissini toast sticks, ramen noodles (raw)
Bedtime (3:30am)
Water: 32+32+32oz
Tea: 16+16+16oz
(lemon echinacea, market spice, cinnamon apple)

have i used that scrunchy-face gif before? i think maybe i have... it's a good emotion gif.